unless they're on the take

I like to think of myself as a dog person. Dogs just make sense to me. If the tail's wagging, everything is awesomeness. If you've got growling and lip curling, cover your nuts - a beatdown is about to be delivered via Express Mail straight to your gonads. Dogs are masters of obviousness. Unlike cats. Fucking lunatics, they are. You’ll never catch a dog in your kitchen at 3 AM smoking clove cigarettes and cleaning a Desert Eagle. Simply won’t happen; at 3 AM, the average dog is in Dreamland, diving in and out of rivers flowing with zesty bacon-flavored kibble. But cats? Those little bastards don’t even sleep. Ask any veterinarian, they’ll tell you all about it (unless they’re on the take, in which case they may stab you in the jugular and dive out a window). A “sleeping” cat is nothing but a decoy. The real one is likely watching you from a nearby air conditioning vent, sharpening a butterfly knife and sizing you up.