particularly objectionable to the eyes

I don't have a lot of respect for people who view brushing their teeth as an avenue to exercise their spontaneity instead of the almost religious, regimental act that it should be. (Oh, and you fuckers know exactly who I’m talking about. Don’t click the Back button! Don’t type a new address in up there!) See, as far as I’m concerned, there’s a distinct and immutable hierarchy to daily human hygiene - the higher on the list it is, the more necessary its inclusion in a sociable adult’s routine. The list reads like this:

• Washing your hands frequently

• Wiping your buttocks, left and right

• Brushing your teeth - with toothpaste and a brush, not that water and a finger thing you saw on that one episode of Who’s the Boss?, goddamnit

• Taking regular showers (or baths if you’re friendless and have too much time on your hands)

• Using some deodorant every so often

• Shaving - the upper half and, if necessary, the lower

• Running a comb through your hair occasionally

Now, I know, all that probably sounds like a lot. And, if you’re particularly objectionable to the eyes, doing it all on a regular basis might just seem like beating back the wind. The thing is, the first 75% of that stuff is totally necessary. I think a lot of people get away with slacking off hygienically because they’re really funny or they have a lot of disposable cash or their breasts are gigantic/succulent, but, you’ve got to understand, this is a serious health issue. (Sure, I could argue that self-esteem is also a factor, but, if self-esteem mattered at all in America, I don’t think Jackass or Lindsey Lohan would have ever been allowed to exist.) Bottom line, if you don’t wash your hands or your teeth, you will die. Slowly and painfully. It will be 3.4 times worse than Whitney Houston’s career. Take care of yourself or prepare for the consequences - Bobby Brown will get you addicted to crack and gamble all of your money away on dog racing.