joints

It drives me up the wall when I hear people arrogantly explain how they never touch cigarettes. It’s all “chemical-additives-that-shrink-your-scrotum”-this and “satanic-cigarette-execs-with-their-evil-private-jets-and-their-Italian-business-suits-made-from-the-pubic-hair-of-pedophiles”-that. But, then, those same people go home and light up joints. And why? Because - and stay with me here; it’s going to get a little crazy - marijuana is nothing like a cigarette. I mean, it’s not like smoking marijuana can give you emphysema or lung cancer, right? Oh, wait. My mistake. I forgot that this isn't Bizarro World and stupid things don't become spontaneously valid for no reason. But, hey, nobody ever dies from just occasionally getting baked off doobies, right? Wrong, you stinkin’ pothead (i.e., Communist). Try walking a tightrope after blazing some purple! Try firing a Gatling gun in a Civil War reenactment or riding a humpback whale on an undersea adventure! None of that stuff is going to be particularly easy if you’ve been toking on hydro for the better part of a Sunday afternoon.

That’s why I don’t smoke anything, period. It’s all liver-busting scotch and whiskey for this kid.