any brand of scissors

Okay. I’ll (again) do the ballsy thing here and say what everybody else is tiptoeing around: The robot threat is real, people – and it’s a pee-your-pants-while-projectile-vomiting-all-over-your-best-friend’s-face-and-clothes kind of scary.

I mean, first of all, robots are made of metal. Whoever settled on that initial decision really fucked up. They should have used hemp or vinyl siding – you know, something easier to punch, if and when you decided to put a back-talking robot in its rightful place. Seriously, everybody knows that metal beats everything. What’s the only viable option when your asshole cousin repeatedly out-guesses you in Rock-Paper-Scissors? Duh. Of course, you call “metal.” Metal rips right through single sheets of paper, blows up basically any brand of scissors and makes a standing mockery of rocks, Earth and Moon varieties alike. Metal is the ultimate choice of any wise tactician and we (the idiots) let robots (the bastards) cover themselves with it. Jesus.

Moreover, I’m roughly 67% sure they’re smarter than we are. R2-D2 doesn’t seem to have much of a grasp on English, but he consistently makes audiences around the world, year after year believe he’s the wittiest character in all of Star Wars. And, while that’s probably true to a very large extent, that doesn’t make him any less of a manipulative little dildo robot. Oh, and let’s not forget his good buddy, C-3PO. I wouldn’t normally give much of a second thought to a dude dressed entirely in shiny gold on a daily basis, but have you heard his accent? Exactly! It’s distinctly British! Now, I know, I know, this is supposed to be a robot bash-fest, not a platform for my continued jihad against all things Brit, but, honestly people, can you really deny the obvious truth? We all know the British can’t be trusted. (Even my therapist agrees, and she thinks I’m crazy and she’s a woman!) All of history’s cleverest bastards have been Brits. King George. Phil Edwards. Scar from The Lion King.* All very evil folks, and C-3PO is proof that robots are among their ranks. And we all know that the British are superior thinkers. It's common knowledge that unusually large teeth and foreheads like football fields make Englishmen exceptional thinkers. So, to put it simply: Robots+British Accents=Super Smart Robots with British Accents and Massive Teeth/Foreheads.

My God, what a terrible combination.

I’ve seen all of the Terminator movies and watched a hell of a lot of Battlestar Galactica. What’s the verdict? Science fiction rocks. But, we all knew that. That’s old news. So, what’s the additional verdict? Robots are a clear and present danger.

You wanna live? Invest in a Super Soaker®. Your children will thank you.

Especially if you get a few of them. Because then, after the 1000 Year Robot War, the kids can totally have squirt gun fights, which are super fun for the whole family.

*Man, I hate Scar.